Sunday, December 16, 2012
Hope - Noah and Caroline in Newtown, CT
The single biggest impact Max has made on my life is the changed perspective of the preciousness of it. Through our journey with his health concerns we have met families that taught us to live and enjoy each day for what it is, a day, a single day with no guarantees of tomorrow. A day that is to be lived on the buoyancy of Hope. Before this, I let fear and worry dominate many moments and I rarely lived in the present and rarely rested in the gift of Hope.
Now that I try my best to focus on the present, I often feel an overwhelming desire to act and act now when tragic things happen. When the devastating news of Sandy Hook arrived, I felt with every fiber of my being that I must do something...something. I could not just sit in the pain and the horror of that day and the knowledge of the forever changed lives of thousands who were directly impacted by it.
Last year I read about the fear of a grieving mother that her child would be forgotten. That life would go on, as she knew it would for the rest of the world, but her life would go on forever changed and never the same. Would her child be remembered, or would he just be a faded mark that had once been, thought of only by those close to him? When the Sandy Hook list of names was released last night I knew what my small part would be, it would be to remember. As I read each name and prayed for their families, I paused on two, Noah Pozner and Caroline Previdi. They were next to each other in alphabetical order on the list. Noah was born the same month, day and year as my Max, 11/20/06. The day I met my sweet son was the very same day Noah's mother met him. Caroline, the name I always wanted to give to a daughter some day, was right next to Noah on that list. I had found my something.
Last night I sat in Max's room and looked at his fat cheeks, still carrying that baby look when viewed at the right angle. I kissed them for Noah's mom. Today Caroline and I went to church together while Ray and Max stayed home due to colds. I reached back to hold Caroline's hand behind me as I drove. I squeezed it. I held my girl's hand for Caroline Previdi's mother who no longer can hold her daughter's hand.
I will not remember the name of their killer, I will try my best to not remember him in any way. I will, however, commit Noah and Caroline's names to my heart and carry them for their families. They will not be forgotten, ever.
Will this change anything, an unknown woman half a country away thinking of their lost babies for years to come? It won't, it can't undo anything, but it is part of what propels me forward in a life filled with so much sadness. Noah and Caroline's lives mean something and they should be remembered.
Underlying even the greatest heartbreak in my life is one thing, it is HOPE. Somedays it feels small and far away, but it is always there. Hope tells me there is more than this crazy world, Hope is what brings comfort that someday pain will not be something I can even comprehend. I live in the present and I try to act in that moment always, but Hope keeps my head above water when the unanswerable questions of this life arise.
By carrying Caroline Previdi and Noah Pozner's name forever in my heart I am keeping my eyes on that Hope.
Noah and Caroline welcome to our family. You will be honored and remembered, darkness has no place here, come and rest in our Hope.