Talking about death

The doctor comes in, he tells the patient and anxious family, "well it looks like he has about 6 months, maybe less."  I didn't think doctors actually told people that, how could they know for sure?  Isn't that more the stuff of movies and books?  I guess not, because we heard that this week in regards to Ray's father.

Ray's Dad has been in the hospital 12 times in the last 9 months.  We knew he was sick, but some how we were unprepared to be given a timetable.  I am floored by how one person's statement can change how you feel so suddenly and completely.  Ray's Dad is no more sick now than he was before we heard the words 6 months, but it feels very different. 

We have been quieter this week, there is a cloud over us as we digest everything.  It is like we are in pre-mourning, and I am not sure what to do with it.  It feels wrong to be so sad when someone is still alive.  Aren't we supposed to wait to feel sad? 

There have been many phone calls and the kids have overhead things.  We tried to explain it to Caroline.  She has had a lot of questions.  She has been trying to get her mind around death ever since she lost her little friend Samantha last summer and attended my grandfather's funeral over the winter. 

Her first question was, "but what about Grandma?"  They are a matched set in her mind, you don't have Grandad without Grandma.  "How will it all work?"  We are asking ourselves the same question, but on a different level.  More questions followed and there does not seem to be an end to them.  "When is this going to happen?  Will he be happy to see our dog in heaven?  Will he play with Samantha?  Where is Heaven?  How exactly do you get up there?  Isn't your cat in heaven mommy?  Do you think he will see your cat?"

And then Max throws a question out, "Why does grandad KEEP dying?"  Whoa..that was not one I expected.  I often forget that he listens to everything, and at age 4 it gets jumbled in his mind.It is tough talking to children about death.  It is hard to know what they can handle and what is just impossible for them to understand at such a young age.  I do the best I can as each question comes up. 

I don't know about this 6 month timetable.  I don't like thinking about dates.  I am going to try and not focus on that.  Despite what Max thinks we don't keep dying, we are either alive or we are gone.  I want to really focus on the alive part while we still have it.  I will help the kids focus on that too, all the while answering a million questions about death.